


growing pains

by benditlikepress



Category: NCIS
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Family, Hurt/Comfort, Pregnancy, a bad day tm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:55:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24199327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benditlikepress/pseuds/benditlikepress
Summary: The road to happily ever after is lined with forks and bumps. Families help each other along the way.
Relationships: Ziva David/Anthony DiNozzo
Comments: 8
Kudos: 53





	growing pains

**Author's Note:**

> hope everyone is keeping safe and well x

Tony was counting down the minutes until home-time when his phone started ringing. Usually he switched it off during meetings but for some reason it had slipped his mind, and that was why he jumped out of his seat to leave the room to answer it, seeing Tali’s school flash on the screen.

They never rang.

He closed the door quietly behind him and clicked answer as he jogged down the hallway towards the doors that led out onto a small balcony.

“Hello?”

"Hello, is that Mr DiNozzo?"

"Speaking."

"Hello, this is Tali's teacher Madame Belanger."

"Oh. Hello. Is everything OK?"

"I'm stood here with Tali, nobody has arrived to take her home."

Tony checked the time. School let out 10 minutes ago. "Uh, Tali's mom should be there. She hasn't shown up?"

"No, Mr DiNozzo. I know it's her that picks Tali up and she's always early so I tried to ring her but I got no answer. I know she's pregnant so I thought I best ring you to check everything is OK."

Tony felt his shackles immediately rise, a ball in his throat. "Um, thank you. I'll try to get a hold of her but I'm on my way myself now, so one of us will be there soon. Can I speak to Tali real quick?"

There was a small pause while the phone was passed over.

"Hey sweetheart, it's daddy. I'm on my way to come get you, OK? Don't worry about a thing."

"OK."

"I love you."

"Love you too."

Tony hung up the phone and began dialling Ziva's number as he went into his boss' office. He explained he had an emergency at home with the phone pressed to his ear and was waved away to leave just as Ziva's phone went to voicemail.

"Hey. It's me. Call if you get this, let me know you’re alright."

When she still hadn’t returned his call when he was getting into his car, he began to panic more. Though she’d been through rough patches and difficulties since she got home to Paris, she’d never once made herself unreachable. She’d always at least drop a text to let him know she was safe. Particularly since she’d found out she was pregnant.

Thoughts of the baby plagued his rushed journey to school, weaving through traffic in a way that made him wish he still had lights he could stick on the roof. Things had been going really well up until now – no worries or doctors concerns, nothing that had to be kept an eye on. Ziva had been a little anxious at first because there had been some concerns early in her pregnancy with Tali but they had turned out to be false alarms, likely caused by stress. When nothing had happened in the first 12 weeks of this pregnancy and then the next couple afterwards, her fears had been allayed. It was week 23 now and everything had been pretty much perfect.

He repeated to himself that she was in the bath and had lost track of time as he hopped out of his car and rushed up to the school gates. He was buzzed in and by the time he reached reception, Tali and her teacher were waiting. Tali immediately left her teachers’ side and came over to him, wrapping her arms around him for a hug.

“Hey, sweetheart. Good day?” He asked in English and Tali’s teacher smiled politely, though he was never sure if she actually understood a word he said when he wasn’t speaking French.

“Uh-huh. Are we going home?”

“Yeah, come on. Sorry you had to wait a little while.”

“That’s OK. Au revoir, Madame Belanger.”

“Au revoir, Tali. See you tomorrow.”

Tali took Tony’s hand as they left the building and walked with purpose although she was quiet and thoughtful.

“Everything alright?”

“Why didn’t ima pick me up?”

"I'm not sure, sweetheart. We're gonna go talk to her and find out, OK?"

"Is something wrong with the baby?"

"I don't think so. Let's just get home and we'll find out what's going on."

This seemed to satisfy Tali, who was her usual talkative self on the car ride back to the apartment. Tony was glad of the distraction – happy to hear about Tali’s class preparation for their upcoming recorder recital and her friend’s new dog.

The building looked normal from the outside when they got home, though decades worth of cop shackles were hard to shake off and Tony caught himself reaching for a non-existent gun as they entered the eerily quiet hallway and reached the locked door.

The apartment was cleaner than they’d left it this morning – clothes and breakfast and mail put away. The curtains were open but the light was on in the bathroom and everywhere was silent. Tony left Tali in the living room and cut through room-by-room looking for any sign of Ziva or something out of place, and when he reached their bedroom he found the door ajar and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw a sleeping figure on top of the mattress.

Ziva was lying on her side, buried in blankets, a slight frown on her face.

Tony bent down by the side of the bed and lifted fingers to her forehead, stroking her hair.

"Hey honey, you awake?"

Ziva stirred and then opened one eye. "What are you doing here?"

"School called."

"What time is it?" Ziva lifted her arms sleepily to check her phone. "Oh my god, I have to go and get Tali."

"Hey hey hey, relax. I got her. She's in the living room."

Ziva exhaled heavily and covered her face with her eyes.

"You OK?"

"Yes. I just... I have been asleep all afternoon. I did not get any sleep last night so I just lay down after lunch and.. I cannot believe this. I have never slept through anything in my life."

"Well, you're pregnant. It happens. Why didn't you sleep last night?"

"I need to talk to Tali."

"Just - take a breath first, alright?"

She closed her eyes as she inhaled and exhaled, but threw the blankets off her all the same. She had taken to wearing his shorts as pyjama bottoms, paired with either a tank top that rode up more as the days went on or one of his old baggy t-shirts depending on the temperature. Though she was almost always overheating these days.

"Is Tali upset?"

"She's fine. She was just a little worried something might've happened." Ziva brought herself up to a sitting position and pressed the base of her palms against her eyes. “You sure everything’s alright?”

"Yes, we are fine. Completely. I am _so_ sorry for scaring you. Really, I.."

"Hey," Tony pulled her hands away from her face gently. "It's alright. It's fine. Stuff happens sometimes."

“It is _not_ alright, Tony.”

Her insistence struck a chord with him, the way her breathing was a little laboured and she squeezed his fingers where they were still attached to accentuate the point.

“Hey. Talk to me.”

“We can talk once I have spoken to Tali. Let me do that first.”

“OK. Take a couple of deep breaths, though. Come in when you’re ready.”

Tony ran his hand over her head as he stood up, leaving the room and going back into the living room where Tali was sitting on the sofa with a game in hand kicking her legs backwards and forwards.

“Ima and the baby are all good. See? Like I said. Nothing for you to worry about. She’s gonna come and talk to you right now.”

He sat down next to her and she began to continue the conversations she’d started in the car, not seeming to notice Tony’s small responses as he kept an eye on the bedroom door.

Ziva appeared a couple of minutes later, her cheeks slightly pink with sleep and a practised smile plastered on her face as her eyes trained on Tali.

"Tali.."

"Is the baby OK?"

"We are both _fine_. But I need to apologise to you.” Ziva sat down at Tali’s side, opposite to Tony, and took Tali’s small hands into her own on her lap. “I'm _so_ sorry I did not pick you up today, Tali. I did not get any sleep last night and I accidentally napped through my alarm. I promise you it will never ever happen again. And I'm very sorry for worrying you, that is not fair at all on you."

"OK. I forgive you."

"You do?"

"You promise.”

“I promise. Can I have a hug?”

Tali wrapped herself around Ziva but the position was starting to get awkward as Ziva had started growing more significantly in the last couple of weeks. She was carrying smaller than Tony had imagined, though he supposed it was a result of keeping herself fit. She said you’d have barely known she was pregnant with Tali until her third trimester.

He watched her expression now, over Tali’s shoulder, her eyes tightly shut and then opening to look up at him with tears threatening. She ran her hand over her left eye and the movement seemed to alert Tali to pull back and look at her.

“Don’t be sad.”

“I’m not sad, OK? Ani ohevet otach. I love you very much.”

Tony still wasn't quite used to the feeling he got in his chest when he saw the two of them together like this: hugging and whispering affection to each other, looking over each other’s shoulders at him with such automatic warmth in their eyes. It was a feeling he'd forgotten existed, something that he'd not felt since childhood until Tali and then Ziva took permanent place in his life - the pure _comfort_ of being around family. The way that even when Ziva was clearly upset and hurting there was still pure, unadulterated love in the air.

Ziva sniffed and straightened her back. “Do you want to help me make dinner?”

“Can we have pizza?”

“You know your daddy can never say no to that. Come on, let’s get your hands washed.”

Tali jumped off the sofa and ran off in the direction of the bathroom. Tony got to his feet and held out his hand to help Ziva up, though she managed to get up mostly by herself. Her hand, as it often did now, instinctively went to her stomach. It was almost six months in and he still hadn't grown out of the burst of pride every time he watched Ziva privately acknowledge her bump, the knowledge that it was his child she was tending to when she didn't realise anyone was watching.

“Ziva..”

“I promise we will talk. I just want to make sure she is OK first. Once we have eaten, she will settle down. OK?”

“OK.”

It was a lot like this with a child: something Tony had never really considered before Tali came into his life, and something he was sure would only get more significant once the baby was here. Trying to find opportunities to talk was difficult, quiet moments alone few and far between, and though all Tony wanted to do right now was sit Ziva down and wait for her to explain every single thing on her mind he instead had to be content to watch her staring down at Tali thoughtfully while she helped her knead dough and overflow toppings in the way only a DiNozzo could.

They ate quietly but happily, Tali still leading conversation, and once she’d finished she’d taken herself off to her bedroom and shouted at Tony to follow her to help her with her math homework.

Ziva still had a fearful look in her eye, and it only seemed to increase as the minutes passed. She looked at Tali’s bedroom and then back at Tony, questioning, until he signalled at her to go to their own bedroom while he followed Tali.

* * *

When he and Tali eventually finished her exercises and she was happily settled down drawing with the new pens they’d bought her last week when she’d won an award at school, Tony had gone to find Ziva. The light was off in their room and she was back in bed, lying on her side with her legs tucked a little upwards. She had one hand under her head and Tony had thought she was sleeping until he approached her and saw her eyes were open.

He flicked on the lamp next to her side of the bed, the room a little dark as the sun began to set. She looked up at him with squinting eyes at the adjustment.

"See? She's all good."

"What is she doing?"

"She wanted to do some drawing. She'll have forgotten all about it by tomorrow."

"Hm."

"Ziva, seriously. She's totally fine about it."

Ziva turned her head to look at where Tony had sat by her feet, his hand on her leg.

"She should not forgive me so easily for something like this."

"She loves you."

"That does not make it OK, Tony. My father used to do things like this to me and I resented him for it. I still do resent him for it."

"I don’t mean to sound like an asshole, but the difference is you would do anything for Tali. You're completely devoted to her."

"And what if that's not enough?"

The words hung heavy between them. Tony poked lightly at a point on her calf. "What’s going on, Ziva?"

"Last night, I said I could not sleep. It is because I read some of my old diaries. And it got me thinking about how things were when I was away. How I was when I got back to you both."

"What would make you think that? You've been doing so well for a long time now."

She had - she'd only had 1 panic attack during her entire pregnancy so far.

"I know. But that does not mean I'm fixed." There was a shake in her voice and she got the words out abruptly, as though she wasn’t sure she’d make it through them.

"Of course it doesn't. But I know how dedicated you are to it. How much you love Tali and little tadpole."

"They are my entire life, Tony. I just worry that.."

"What?"

"What if that is not enough? What if I cannot handle it?"

"In what way?"

"I mean, what if..” She stopped talking and he caught the look in her eye. He remembered the first time he’d seen it – in Israel, after Eli, when he’d sat and listened as she’d told him things he’d never realised she thought about herself before. The way she carried things, heavy and burdening, around in her heart. “What if I just.. break down. Or things get bad again."

Tony climbed onto the bed in the silence that followed, taking his space next to her. She turned, slowly, so she was on her back, and he lay down facing her.

"Do you think that's gonna happen?"

"I don't know. It could do. And if it does there will be more days like this. Days where I cannot do the things you all want or need from me."

Tony's arm was wrapped securely around her waist, resting on her stomach, and Ziva placed her own hands over his. Linked their fingers together. He tilted his head to kiss her temple and then rested his cheek there, his skin warm against hers and his breath in her ear.

"I forgot her. I slept through picking her up."

"And like you said, you've never done anything like that in your entire life. Did I ever tell you about the first time I let her on a climbing frame? My attention went for a second and she fell and cut her knee. Blood everywhere."

"Children fall all the time."

"Yeah, and beating _your_ self up over _this_ won't help anyone either."

"The difference is, Tony, that was the one thing you have ever done."

"You've never done anything to upset Tali."

"How can you say that with a straight face?"

Tony shook his head. "The Sahar thing is different. You had no choice."

"What about the day we were alone together and I had a panic attack? And she locked herself, crying, in her room?"

"Ziva, that was a long time ago. And you handled it amazingly."

"But _Tali_ shouldn't have to handle that. Nor should the baby. I am supposed to be their mother."

“You think every mother is perfect? That they aren’t allowed to have bad days or anxiety or things they need to manage?”

Ziva picked up his hand and played with his fingers, bending them and wrapping her own around them over and over while she was silent. Comfort-seeking, almost stubborn.

"What are you thinking?"

"I am so scared of ruining everything. I have never had something like this - people like this, in my entire life. The thought it might one day go away is just..."

There was a lost look in her eyes and her voice was a contradiction, sounding so sure of herself but in equal measure every sentence was ending like it was a question, like she wanted him to confirm it. It reminded him in a strange way of that night in Cairo, years ago, when she'd seemed reluctant to make any statement something other than the abstract. Afraid to set things in stone. When she'd continually reached out to him and then shrunk away just as she was about to touch him, until he realised that she wasn't sure how he was going to react if she did.

In a way that had affected him more than anything: the idea that, after so long, he could have become a mystery to her. That night in Cairo and again when they'd reunited, at first - how she'd been so uncharacteristically tentative around him to the point of seeming terrified that she'd do something to make him push her away. As though that was ever going to happen.

It wasn't the case anymore. Even if the thought didn't automatically make her feel better, Tony got the sense that she always knew what he was going to say.

“None of us are going anywhere, Ziva. Ever. She idolises you.”

"It is not just her I am thinking about. Tali is my child, and she's young, so she will always feel loyalty to me. I know that better than anyone. But sometimes I wonder about you. What I did to deserve any of the things you give to me. I remember when I first got home and I could not sleep – I would lie here all night and stare at you and wonder why you would do any of this for me."

"Because I love you, Ziva. Because you're the love of my life and I don't know what else to be other than with you."

"But.."

“But what?”

"You have put up with so much from me without anything in return. I worry I can never be the person you need me to be. I might always be like this. You realise that, right? Sometimes I feel as though you assume things for a future that might never come true. I am not sure I am capable of being that person."

"I hate it when you do that."

"Please - _please_ spare me the lecture on what a good person I am."

"No, I mean I hate it when you assume things about _me_. What is it that I need, Ziva?” Ziva hesitated. "You can’t answer that, but you somehow know it isn't you? That you can't provide me with everything I could ever need? That after - fuck, after 15 years of loving you it would occur to me one day that this isn't really what I want?"

"I am not who I was 15 years ago."

"No, you aren't. And I'm glad.” Tony sat up as he heard his tone a little harsh, felt more words threatening to spill, imploring her to look him in the eye as he wondered how much he should say of what was going through his head. “You might think I'm helping you, but you never think about the other way round. I literally don't know how to exist without you anymore. I tried to, I had to - and I hated it. I realised that so much of who I am now is because of you and trying to make sense of the world when I'm not with you is just.. impossible.

Twice in my life I've been told you were dead. And both times I spent every waking second hunting you down until I found you. Because the idea of you not being there is just... unfathomable. So don't ever tell me again that all you do is take from me, OK? It's bullshit. You'll never know the amount I need you. Never."

He wasn't sure he'd ever said it so bluntly, not even in his own head where he'd spent patches of months at a time ruminating over the thoughts. It made Ziva take pause and look at him, eyes heavy, and maybe it was just the words or maybe it had been his tone too: so firm and certain.

She didn't check him for their validity, knowing him well enough to know what was the truth, but he did see her turning the words over in her head as her expression slowly shifted. One of her fingers stroked a thoughtful line over his hand.

“You say that like it’s such an easy thing to come to terms with for yourself.”

“It is.”

“It’s not. Not for me. I have never needed anyone the way I need you. But needing somebody this much.. it is still new. My whole life, I was told never to rely on others for strength. Strength should always come from within. _Always_ , without exception. And when that is not there you are just… a liability.”

“Maybe that’s why we’re different. God, I’ve always needed you. I needed you so much when we first met. I think I was just gonna cruise through life avoiding tough stuff - never allowing myself to be challenged, never opening myself up to anything tough. And then I met you, and you didn't let me relax for one single second."

Ziva smiled finally, a tiny fragile thing. “No, I didn’t.”

“I’m over a decade older than you, y’know.”

"What - so you know better?"

"No, that's not what I mean. What I mean is, chances are at some point I'm gonna get slow and sick before you do. And if I need a wheelchair, say, or if I have a stroke.."

“Don’t talk about that. That is an awful thing to say.”

"Just listen to me. When I can't walk on my knee in the cold, are you gonna leave me?"

"I would carry you up every flight of stairs. You know that.”

"There you go."

"It is not the same."

"How isn't it?"

"You cannot help any of those things. It’s not your fault."

"And you think you can help it?"

"I should be trying harder. I should not still be having spells like this."

"Ziva, you try hard every single day. You do - you know you do. The fact you get so frustrated is proof of that. And how well you've been doing is proof of that, too."

"I am _sick_ of still having days like this. It is not fair, to any of us."

"It's not about fairness. It's life. You think everyone just gets things plain sailing? No, it sucks sometimes. That's the whole point. In sickness and in health."

"We are not married."

"No, but I want us to be someday. And when I say those words I want you to believe it."

"I always believe you, Tony."

"I don't want you to believe it because I said it, I want you to believe it for yourself. This isn't just some long-haul thing we're in, Ziva. This is forever. OK? I'm gonna be here until the day I die. Unless you get sick of me, obviously."

Ziva stretched her neck forward to kiss him, and held his face, giving his cheek a little tap.

"Does that mean you've been sick of me since 2005?"

"Yes. But I am never going anywhere again if it isn't with you."

"Package deal, huh? If you can put up with me, I'm sure I can try the same."

The joke could've gone down like a lead balloon with someone else considering the conversation but it made Ziva smile, like he knew it would, and she shook her head against the pillow.

"Hey. It's gonna be alright, you know. I promise. You said you always believe me, so there you go."

Ziva went to respond but got interrupted by a noise outside. The door made a small creak as it opened, and Tony lifted his head to see Tali standing there looking concerned.

"Hey sweetheart. Come here."

"What's happening?"

"Nothing, ima's just tired today. Babies need a lot of help to grow and so mom's need a lot of sleep."

Tali climbed onto the foot of the bed and crawled up it, settling herself in the small space Tony and Ziva had created for her between them.

"What're you doing?"

"We've just been talking."

"What about?"

"How much we love you." Ziva poked Tali in the chest and when Tali squirmed playfully she tickled her in the same place with her fingers.

"No you weren't."

"We were, I promise you. I was telling daddy how much I like our walks home together after school and how sorry I am I missed it today.”

"Will you pick me up tomorrow?"

"Of course I will. I am going to get a big night's sleep tonight so I am more awake and alert tomorrow."

Tony wondered if she meant it, but her attention wasn't on him.

"So you aren't sick?"

"No, I'm not sick. I am just feeling a little sad today."

"Oh. Is that why daddy's laying with you?"

"Yes, that's right."

"Is he making you feel better? My teacher said if someone's sad you should sit with them so they aren't sad anymore."

"Do you do that?" Tali nodded. "Well, I think that is a very nice thing to do."

"Why are you sad?"

"Sometimes I get sad when I think about how much time I had to spend away from you and daddy. You are such a big girl now, aren't you? You were very small when we used to live in Israel."

"And then I came here to live with daddy."

"Yes, you did. I had to go and do that very important job, but it hurt me very much being away from you. Sometimes when things happen to us that are bad or sad, even when they're over we still think about them sometimes."

"And that's OK.” Tony interrupted quietly, catching Ziva’s eye so she could tell he meant the words for her too. “It's alright if you get upset sometimes about things that have already happened. That's why we all talk about things so we can feel better."

"Like Elena at school. She's sad her grandma went to heaven but it was a long time ago."

"Yes, that is a good example. I hope you are kind to Elena like your teacher said you should be. It will get better for her in time, but she will still be sad sometimes."

"Like you?"

"Yes. Just like me. But being here with you two, that makes me feel better."

"And the baby?"

"And the baby, when he gets here, I hope will do the same too."

"Does he have a name yet?"

"Not yet, sweetheart. But we promise you'll be the first to know when he does."

Tali nodded eagerly but Ziva looked at Tony over her head, her expression waiting and thoughtful.

"I am glad you're here, Tali, because I wanted to talk to you about something." Tali's eyes were wide in a childish way as she craned her neck up to look at her mother, Tony now far from her attentions. "I know things have sometimes been strange or confusing for you, and there have been things going on that we haven't told you everything about. But I want you to know that we are here, together, for good now. When your brother gets here it will be the four of us, and we will love you just as much as we do now and we will always be together."

Ziva's hand found its way to Tali's necklace. She took the star in her hands and closed her fingers around it tightly before placing it back down at the base of Tali's neck and tapping it.

"I'm excited for a baby brother."

"I know you are. We're excited too. But just so you know, if you ever feel anything else about it, you should tell us. If you feel upset, or anything else. We will not be angry with you."

"Like what else?"

"Well, when I was about your age my little sister was born. Before she arrived I was very excited, but then I got quite jealous of her. She was a baby and so my ima gave her a lot of attention, and so did my big brother when he came to see us. I was upset because I thought it meant they did not love me as much anymore."

"Did they?"

"Yes, they did. My ima sat me down and told me that I would always be her daughter and she loved me more than anything on earth. And that is how daddy and I will _always_ feel about you."

“Did you help look after your sister?”

“Yes, always. I hope you will do the same with your brother. I would love you to be best friends.”

“Well.. Sophia is my best friend. But he could be my next best one.”

Tony started laughing, burying his head in Tali’s hair as she tried to shrug him off, looking at Ziva for support.

“It’s not funny. I already have one.”

"I know, baby."

"I'm not a baby."

"You'll always be our baby. Even when you're 100 years old."

"That's silly."

"Uh-huh. It's the truth, though."

"Can I watch Moana?"

"Again?"

"Please. Please please."

"Seeing as you asked nicely. C'mon, let's set it up."

* * *

Tony left Tali wrapped in blankets on the sofa, toys tucked in with her and a content expression on her face, before heading back to Ziva.

He pulled the bedroom door slightly closed but left it ajar, eyes catching on where she was sat cross-legged with her eyes closed and her palms on her knees. He stayed silent, sitting on the chair piled with laundry rather than disturbing her.

It took another minute before she opened her eyes, blinking a couple of times as she readjusted to the light.

"Come here."

"Didn't wanna interrupt when you were doing your.." Tony signalled Ziva's position on the bed as he propped up his pillows and sat with his back against the headboard, legs crossed.

She struggled a little as she pulled herself backwards to join him, reclining her back slightly with her shoulders pressed against her pillows.

"You OK?"

"A little more relaxed now, I think."

"Good."

"Do you think I did the right thing, saying all of that to Tali?"

"You meant it."

"Of course I did. But I am always going to be looking over my shoulder."

"I don't think statistically anyone can come after us ever again. It just can't happen. We aren't James Bond."

"Unfortunately for you."

He delighted at the pleased smile on her face as she spoke.

"But what you said.. it wasn't really about the literal. It was about Tali knowing we're _here_."

"It was not just for Tali. I want both of you to know I'm here. I saw the messages you left on my phone earlier, and I know that even if you did not admit it to yourself a small part of you was worried I had left."

"I wasn't. Ziva -"

"Let me finish. It is just human nature, Tony, I do not assume it means you think badly of me. What you said before about being here forever - I know I do not always say it in the same way, especially not when I am like this. But it's important to me that I show it to you. To the both of you. Not to.. apologise, or guilt trip myself, but because you deserve to hear it. Just as you do the same for me. I love you. I have done for longer than you realised, and it is never going to go away. And it is the same for Tali now, too, no matter what things may lie ahead with a new baby or any other paths in our lives. I just want the both of you to always know that."

Tony leaned in to kiss Ziva when she finished, lips sweet and familiar. When he pulled away she followed him, settling her shoulder against his chest and leaning against him. Both of them facing out in the same direction.

"I love you too. Although you're getting kinda heavy to do this." Ziva tutted but readjusted herself. "Was that true? What you said about your sister?"

"Oh, yes. Or so I was told - I was too young to remember the full details."

"I can't imagine you being like that."

"Jealous?"

"No, I can _definitely_ imagine that. I mean.. I don't know, I guess I've never much thought about you as a little kid like that."

"It is not always easy to talk about for me. Especially not in the context of our early relationship. But yes, when Tali was first born I believed she would replace me in my family's affections. Ari was older and he had his own mother so that had never been the same dynamic. Particularly with my mother but also with my father - I think I worried that because he did not show much affection to begin with it would be even harder to come by. Ari, too, though. I looked up to him when I was young, I did not like the thought of competing for any of their attentions."

"And then you and Tali became tight."

"Of course. We were very close. I was only a little younger than our Tali is now - I hope she and her brother can be the same. I hate to think of her feeling as though we have divided loyalties after everything she has already had to deal with."

"She's a smart kid."

Tony lifted a hand to wipe an old tear track from her cheek and she smiled, derisory, as she brushed it with the back of her hand.

"I have been crying so easily. I remember being like this the last time."

It didn't feel like a novelty for Ziva to cry but for her to talk so openly about it - about any of it, was still a relatively new experience for the both of them. Tony smiled when she said the words, sensing them as Ziva's way of offering an olive branch into another of those conversations.

"You don’t talk much about how it was in your head, being pregnant back then. You always focus on the physical side. On Tali's side."

"That is probably because I would feel guilty for telling you."

"I want to know."

"Scared. Depressed. Incredibly alone, though I know I had no right to feel that way. When you left to go back to America, I was convinced it was the right thing for you. I thought that leaving you alone – allowing you to move on without me, so you could focus on yourself, was the kindest thing I had ever done for somebody.

The longer time went on and the more the pregnancy progressed, the more I convinced myself of that. You were better off without me and if I called you months later about to give birth to your child you would be angry at me for not saying anything and resent me for throwing a grenade into your life again. I have spoken to you before about how selfish it was for me to ignore yours and Tali's best wishes in all of that, but it is the truth. I was so... warped by this image of myself, that it did not occur to me to think rationally about what any of us needed. A lot of the time during my pregnancy it was like I was in denial: I had difficulty acknowledging that once she arrived she was going to be a fully-fledged human who looked to me for everything.

I wish I could say I felt this connection to her before she was even born but I just didn't. I did not have it in me to forge it. That did not come until she was born. She was 2 weeks early and I remember that terrified me because I did not think either of us were ready for her to be out yet. But then she came and it was.. instantaneous. You will see, when he is born. I have never known anything like that feeling. And I knew that even if I could not carry on for me, I owed it to her to work hard every day to be something better. To be a mother that she deserved - who deserved her. I still feel that way now."

As Ziva had been speaking, Tony's head had lowered so he could rest his lips against her exposed shoulder.

"I don't know how I did this on my own."

Tony's arms moved around her waist and his hands found their way to her stomach. He moved her shirt a fraction to rest his palms against her bare skin, still breathing against her shoulder. Ziva turned her head to look at him. "You aren't going to say anything?"

"Nope. I think sometimes you just have to get stuff off your chest without other people trying to argue about it."

"I think so too."

"How often do you think about all this?"

"You will not believe me now, but not often."

"Really?"

"Yes. I am not sure what it is right now - why I even got those diaries out in the first place. Maybe it is my hormones triggering things."

"Is that.. OK to say?"

"For me? Yes. If you ever say it, I will kill you."

"Well for what it's worth, I don't think it's hormones. I think it's just.. a bad day."

"Yes. They are fewer and far between now."

"And I'm glad."

Tony pushed lightly on Ziva's back until she leaned forward and then crawled over the bed until she was in his old position against the pillows and he was sat in front of her.

"Hey, come on. Honesty hour. Just tell me anything else you're feeling right now and I won't interrupt."

"Why are you being like this today?"

"Because I think you need me to today."

Ziva's eyes squinted, slightly, assessing the words in the silence. "I love you."

"Come on, tell me." Tony spread his legs out either side of her and watched as she rearranged the pillows behind her back.

"OK." Ziva took a deep breath. "I worry.. that it's unfair on Tali for me to be excited about this pregnancy when I wasn't for her. I think about things I have inherited from my family, and whether our children will pick up some traits of mine that I wish they would not. Or if things that have happened in the past couple of years are going to make me a worse parent. Sometimes I wonder if you are still walking on eggshells around me, hiding things, because you think it will make me upset if I knew how you really felt. On particularly bad days I still cannot get it out of my head that you deserve better than me."

Tony listened to the words carefully, playing with Ziva's fingers as her voice was steady, thinking about what he'd respond if he was trying to rebut it. Knowing he'd sign up right now to spend the rest of his life making sure she didn't feel like that - staying up all night, every night, if that's what she needed.

He couldn't say it now, but he was sure she'd already know what his response would be. What it always is when he sees that look on her face that tells him she needs to hear it.

"Feel better?"

"A little. Although a lot of it, I am sure you could conclude for yourself."

"Good to let it out."

"You have to do the same to me sometime, Tony. I want to hear these things from you."

"Me? I'm doing good."

"Now, maybe. But when things are not so good. I want to hear all of it, even if you think it would make me feel bad."

"Try and stop me." Ziva smiled, small and teasing and sad. "What, you don't believe me?"

"I don't believe you." There was tease to it and the smile was still on her lips, the light weight behind the honest words.

"Why not?"

"Because I still think you try to protect me."

"I don't."

"You do, Tony. But you have to promise me you will be honest like this for me. I want to hear it. You need me to hear it."

"I will."

"Promise me."

"Ziva.."

"Just promise that you will never keep your feelings hidden to try and protect me. Promise me you will not just.. be strong all of the time."

"I.." Tony's voice started strong and loud and then he caught her eye and tapped the back of her hand. "Hey, I promise."

"Alright. That is good enough for me."

"And all that other stuff. Just.. So long as you know I love you, Ziva. So long as you know that."

"I do."

"And I really do think we're gonna be OK. That's my honesty hour."

Ziva's eyes glistened, and he leaned forward to climb onto his knees to kiss her. Her hands came up into his hair and she felt him smile against his lips, more of a comfort than he realised such a gesture could be.

When they pulled apart, he sat back on his heels. Her hands had released him and found their way absently to her stomach and he watched as she rubbed it.

"I think I'm lucky, y'know. I think that every day."

"I am the lucky one, Tony."

"Always a competition with you, huh?" She chuckled in familiarity and shook her head. "Maybe you think that, but I do too. This, _this_ here. It's rare. I think it's rare."

That assessment of his words was there again. The thoughtful, content, expression on her face as she tilted her head and let them wash over her. Believing it for herself, not just because the words were coming from him. "Me too."

"Yeah?"

"I have always thought that. Even before, when.." She trailed off, and then smiled. "I like being able to talk about things with you now. Without secrets, or games, or baggage."

"Well, there's baggage, but.." Ziva hit his arm lightly as he smiled and then faded again. "We're growing up, huh?"

"Mhmm."

"6 year old daughter, baby on the way. Looking for a house."

"Did you ever imagine this for us?"

"Separately or together?"

"Both."

"For myself.. I hoped so, yeah. For the two of us it would depend when you asked me. There were times when I thought so for sure. There were times where I thought we'd just spend our entire lives sat opposite each other never doing a damn thing about any of this. And sometimes I thought we would.. I don't know, travel the world fighting crime. And make out sometimes."

"We can still do that."

"Ask me Monday, I don't know if I have the energy." Tony flopped forwards lying down next to where Ziva sat, turning into her and placing his hand on her stomach. He closed his eyes.

"OK, old man. We can take a rain check."

“Besides, we have a scan next week. Got to take a look at our little boy.”

“That’s right, we do. Something to look forward to.”

He smiled at her quiet assertion, said almost to herself. “Do you think he looks like me yet?”

“He might do.”

“When did Tali start to look like you?”

“I am honestly not sure. I do not have much information on what I looked like as a baby – no photos left, nobody around to ask.”

“I remember the first time I met her, it took my breath away.”

"In that case, I hope he looks like me too. It is not often I get to see you with your tongue laced."

"Tied. But no, this one's mine. You've got Tali, I need my mini-me."

"Tali is all you and you know it. I love her very much for it."

"Maybe you're right. A mama's boy, huh?" Tony lifted Ziva's shirt and pressed a kiss to the apex of her stomach. His eyeline caught on the start of a stretchmark forming, skin silvery, and he ran his finger along the crevice.

Ziva's hand was in his hair.

"I cannot believe how big I am getting. I will have to go shopping this weekend, I have nothing to wear for work."

"You kidding? You just look like me if I have dessert."

"I would have thought you'd want these shorts back sometime."

"Nah. I like them better on you."

"I would've thought you liked them better _off_ me, yes?" Tony chuckled as he raised his head back up onto the pillow. "But I should at least relegate them to just being nightwear. I will not feel any better if I do not get dressed properly in the morning."

"I think it's alright to have a lazy day sometimes."

"Just one. I am going to get an early night tonight and then have an early shower and get dressed. And I will see how I feel then."

"Sounds like a good plan to me. We can talk again tomorrow."

"We talk every day."

"Ziv-"

"I know." Ziva tucked her arm behind him and pulled his head up towards her shoulder, pressing a slow kiss to his forehead. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"You know what."

Tony closed his eyes again and felt the residual energy in the air as Ziva's chest rose and fell, slowly and purposefully.

Neither of them said anything for a while, the apartment startlingly quiet and peaceful as they breathed each other in and Tony replayed parts of the conversation over in his head. Thought about the look on Ziva's face when he'd told her he couldn't exist without her. Maybe he should tell her that more often.

"Tali is being very quiet."

"I was just thinking that. It's too quiet. 's not a good sign."

"Maybe she succeeded in redecorating her bedroom this time."

"I'll go."

"No, you stay here."

"Y'sure?"

"Positive."

Ziva tried to remove Tony from her so she could stand up but he blocked her, climbing up to lean over her and kiss her. She hummed against his lips and he allowed his hand to get wrapped in her curls before she laughed and pressed a palm to his chest. He sat up and moved out of her way, watching her get up slowly, rubbing a hand over her left hip as she readjusted her shirt.

"Hey." She turned her head back towards him. "Everything good?"

"It will be."

"I love you."

"I know."

"Still good to hear it."

Ziva smiled and it seemed freer now, less burdened as she walked across the room. When she got to the door she stopped, and turned back to face him again.

"I love you too."

"Yeah, yeah."

He lay back down, hearing her laugh as she left the room, replaying the sound over and over in his head until he felt his eyes drooping closed.


End file.
